So many things...

Have happened since I last updated back in September.

Mia has learned how to escape from her car seat and many other door locks in the house. (will list all my findings in hopes to help someone). Been an emotional basket case. Not really sure why, but I believe the stress has just gotten to me. Been super busy at work. Haven't found a pleasant happy area to deal with Chloe and all her issues. Basically ignoring severe pain I have in my foot because I know what it is and it would take a few days of no walking and a month of no driving for it to heal....and I don't have that luxury.

Mia and her ability to escape all car seats and seat belt locks. First off we have a britax marathon which is a lovely car seat but it wasn't going to last her much longer and she learned how to undo the harness (the clip and the buckle). Now for you parents that have a child in a five point harness car seat and they haven't learned how to work the buckle yet and you can't afford to go a different route the best solution is the graco chest clip.Graco Clip It is a little harder for those of our kids that don't have a good pincher grip.

After it was determined she wasn't able to be in a five point harness I got a Britax Parkway with the clip that clips to the lap belt. Well she is able to unhook the seat belt so I got this many of the different seat belt locks. She was able get out of them all but this one

But after a week she learned how to get out of the seat belt without unlocking it and still have the lap belt crotch attachment attached. So after all of this I found the EZ-on vest 103z (adjustable vest with back zipper) for family vehicle with tether attachment. I had to change my girls seats around because only 2 seats in my mini van had the tether. Behind the driver and the middle in the third row. Chloe wasn't happy that she had to change seats....kids on the spectrum become attached to silly things but this was huge for her. We tested it on a trip to Sesame Place and it worked. I still find it hard to get her into it...she squirms. I also keep having nightmares that it isn't as safe as I think it is. It seems like she would get a horrible case of whiplash but I also attach the seat belt through it to keep her locked down. It was a lot of money to get to this point but my suggestions after the five point harness isn't working (believe me I zip tied her into that harness and she still got out...pant less but she was out) get a booster that is latch attached (just so it doesn't fly around your car) get the seat belt cover from especialneeds (either directly or through amazon) then get the EZ on vest. This was you won't have to be in a rush and have to get the vest overnighted and pay twice as much for it. Plus you wouldn't have spent all the other money on covers etc. Although granted every kids is different and also all car models are different. I have a Nissan Quest 2006. 

Now during this and after this as well she was getting into everything at the house. I have all the doors locked with the little hook latch and door knob covers.  My friends get locked into my house and unable to go to the bathroom. I have found some great products on being the monkey tail. If you have normal molding in your house that isn't flush with the door...this is a fantastic product. I am also installing pin locks for the sliding glass door (mine are installed backwards so I am unable to use most locks).

It is hard to stay ahead of your autistic child. They are determined to figure it out. I wish she would put this much effort into potty training.

I have been having a lot of fears of being alone. Not just with dating with friends. I have been feeling lonely and unattached from everyone. If we are home for a school break I can go for days without talking to another person. I know this goes both ways but after numerous times of me attempting to outreach to people I feel rejected and unwanted. I could go out more now but I really don't have anywhere to go. I know I could go to a store and just get me time but it just reminds me that no one really cares. Not having a best friend to talk to that understands me and one that would know how close I am to just falling flat on my face is hard. I don't have a spouse and their father is going into his 4th rehab of the year. I try to look strong and I try to just ignore my personal feelings but some days I just can't. I should be better soon...I am sure I will be. I don't really allow it to get to me to much because then I can't be a good mom but I just get so caught up I forget...I am still a human and I can't always do everything on my own.

Potty training and new school year

I dream of the day that I can end potty training. It took Chloe longer then most and with Mia I am still at it. She enjoys sitting on the potty (and at times going on it) and now she likes to take off her diaper and dump everything in to the potty (making a huge mess). So she understands that is where it goes and I know she knows she has to go. (she likes to hide in her room) So I have now put locks on all the doors so she can't hide. I am hoping this will have her ask me for the potty and go on the potty. We will see.

I am still waiting for our medicaid diapers. I have broken down and signed us up. I can't keep buying the diapers I prefer for her. Hopefully this doesn't end in some crazy chemical burn on her butt.

They started school this week, which is always challenging. Getting back to our normal schedule will be lovely. I can start going to the gym again and getting some mommy time.

I have yet to meet Mia's new teacher which is weird. You give your child over to a stranger and in her case a whole group of strangers. I also hoping when it comes time for the parent teacher conference I am able to attend.

Chloe is super excited this year, because she gets to be a lunch buyer once a week. We are now getting food stamps which allows her to get free lunch at school. But since it isn't the best food (at least for ASD kids, who are sensitive to foods that aren't organic etc) I am allowing her pizza day. I mean what kid didn't enjoy pizza day? I did tell her to gift her milk to someone that wants it. The less hormones the better. This is a huge step for me. Allowing her a little bit of normal.

                                              

I then went back and looked at Chloe's first day picture last year. My goodness she has grown and you can't tell but also wearing the same socks. Which she HAD to wear this year but I didn't notice until afterwards that they are the same.

I know all parents go through the oh my it was only yesterday I was holding them in the hospital. But seriously this needs to slow down a little. I really hope for a better year then last for their school. We hit a lot of bumps but hopefully not as many this year.

an infant trapped in a 6 year olds body.

With the girls birthday coming up I have been shopping of course for presents. Chloe is very demanding for presents basically she wants everything. I have a list a mile long for her. I told her max would be 4 presents from me. So I hope that I don't see a tantrum. With Mia....she never asks for anything for birthdays or holidays. It is what I pick out. She loves Elmo to death (as do most autistic kids, I assume it is the bright red fur) So we are still stuck in baby toy central. I never know what to get her because she has everything in her age range of interest. She mouths everything so I keep with the under 3 y/o toys because of that.

It isn't just the toys it is her speech of course is babbling with some words thrown in there. Plus she squeals and hoots just like a baby would do. Plus she wears diapers and I have to carry a diaper bag still with us. I catch myself baby talking to her all the time. Playing peek a boo. It is like she is stuck in this forever infantile stage. People always assume she is younger, even though she is the taller twin. They get amazed that they are twins.

I can't change this, it is beyond my control, but it was something I was thinking while I was driving and cooing at her. I should treat her more like a 6 year old child then a 1 year old baby but.....it is hard. I notice I do limit her with her abilities so I have to let go of my tether a little.

Do you see what I see? and if not why not?

As a mom we look at our kids and most of us see them as perfect little beings. Of course they have flaws, they are human after all. But as a mom you see the big picture. When I see other kids I sometimes see them as invading our perfect little bubble. They are filling my children's heads with cheetos and terrible pop music.

Anyways I see fathers with their kids some are how I would expect them to be and others just don't have that connection. Why don't they think of their kids at every waking hour? Is it because we carry them for 9 months and we are just connected at a much deeper level? I have given the girls father chances after chances to be in their lives. He doesn't deserve these chances but they do. They deserve to have the total package. Instead they have a father that choices his vices over being in their lives. Why doesn't he want to see them wake up everyday and go to sleep every night? I don't get it and doubt I ever will. I am always asking WHY? to him and I never get an answer. He tells me he loves them but it doesn't reflect that.

People tell me how strong I am, and I tell other mothers how strong they are and how much I admire them. I never see what I do as anything special. I do what I do because it has to be done. If I don't who will? It is my job as a mom. I sit here while Chloe is here at work with a tummy virus. I live breath motherhood. It is the hardest lowest/highest paying job. But I suppose getting told you are awesome is a fantastic boast. It still gets me everytime with a what really? me? but every mom that does her job as a mom deserves a good job. Honestly though when you get that little hug it sort of says it.

My stress level is high right now. It is a combo of sick kids and the ex issues. I am forever stuck in a limbo. Wanting a release that isn't available. Someday I will have time to breath to relax or that is what I tell myself. I have thought about the possibility of starting to date again...test the waters. But I always think this and pull back in fear of someone not understanding. People can't understand when a parent is truly alone. They assume that the other parent has to be there or they have to have someone to lighten the load. But I don't really. So it is easier to say I want to but it is easier to not totally do it. I feel it is easier to blame my kids/life then to look at my actual flaws as something that needs to change.

Another thing I would like to state. We went to a minor league baseball game on Friday (the Blue Rocks). We took Mia's wheelchair. I have noticed people tend to understand more when Mia is in her chair. When she isn't people look at us like we have horns on our heads. When we have the wheelchair we have people parting like the red sea. It amazes me. So get yourself a wheelchair for big events like this because people tend to only relate to true visible signs of disabilities. Plus it carries all your food/diapers/etc that you need instead of strapping it to yourself. I love our chair it gives us freedom and now understanding.

Money is evil

I love Amazon, seriously I could spend $1000's of dollars on that site my wish list is pages long my saved to cart is just as bad. ( http://amzn.com/w/H1XTVRV6YVDI ) Yet I get lost on the site and wish for things that I can never have.
I feel the same way about Target. I went today and spent $140. Seriously? What did I get....some outfits for Mia because she is eating her shirts.

It is a horrible habit but we stopped her from wearing her jacket everyday (short sleeved hoodies during the summer) but it was just to hot last week. So I am assuming she is just stressed out due to the change of no jacket. But...I had to get new clothes. Also birthday presents for kids (going to a few parties) and well I spent $140 on not that much. It amazes me the price of things.

Before I had kids (BK?) I use to spend so much money on nothing. Now things I need I can't get because I don't have any money. I am paying back my debt from overshopping but mainly my debt comes for food shopping for the girls and medical bills. My insurance company would pay for behavioral therapy for Chloe so I paid out of pocket for 4 months at $250 a week. I hope that someday other parents don't have to deal with paying out of pocket for medical if they have insurance.

So how do single moms make extra money if they already work? I don't have any skills I could do etsy. I just have to sell what I own and hope things get better.

When are the chances to high?

If you knew there was a 50/50 chance that the next child you had would be autistic would you still try to have a baby? For me I know the answer would be no regardless of the chances. I had so many issues giving birth and I have to focus on them right now (plus I am not dating anyone). I do plan to adopt a child with special needs if I am ever financial able too. So in a way is that answering my question? Why give yourself more of a load when you are already bogged down. Why spend more hours in the Dr offices repeating the same tests? Why give yourself a groundhog day? I am honestly answering this question without any snarky reasons. I see many families with many differently abled kids and I wonder why? I understand having one then another before you really knew what the dx was for the first and the chances. But I have seen families of 5 all on the spectrum. Who am I to judge? It is just a question I have asked myself but can easily answer.

I do love my girls and I wouldn't drastically change them for the world. Granted many things I would change and why I do alternative therapies. I don't see the therapies and changing them for who they are, I just think it allows them to be more of who they are meant to be with a clear mind. Also would love Chloe to have some manners but she is blunt and I feel that is part of her autistic traits.

So where am I going with this I am not sure it was just something I am thinking and wondering other peoples views.

Changes

On July 24th the girls are turning 6. I can't believe how big they are (43" and I am only 62" they will be taller then me soon). So with this of course the thought of real big girl beds. I have them sharing a room which isn't working so great anymore. Chloe is a night owl and Mia is a morning bird. They are still in their cribs (Chloe has been converted into a toddler bed). So I have a spare room which is slowly developing into a child's room.  

So it is time to also consider a bed for Mia. Mia is still in her crib with a crib tent. It keeps her safe at night and she likes it. I am looking into the nickel bed and then purchase an ikea bed. ( http://www.myreadysetbloom.com/) It is on her birthday wishlist along with a trampoline. 

With getting older I also have to deal with Chloe being invited to go over to peoples houses..........WITHOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!! I have been avoiding but apparently it is the norm with 6 year olds. She is in Boys and girls club camp this summer but not going on Wednesdays and not going 2 weeks at the end of August.

Chloe has been out of pull ups at night for almost 1 month with 2 accidents. Pretty good. I am thankful not to have to buy her pull ups anymore. Mia even got the left over case to go with her at school and they prefer them. So that means either I just buy pulls ups and use "rubber pants" over them at night or also buy diapers. We use nature babycare diapers size 6 or their pull ups, I asked them to consider making bigger diapers for special need kids and adults. I hope they do I worry often that someday I won't have any other option but to buy traditional pull ups.

We also have tons of "baby" toys in the house. I have to go through and donate to Mia's school and try to sell at Once upon a child. Needing income to pay bills always makes me feel like a crack head. If I get $100 for this stuff I can then pay off that bill.

I miss them being 5lbs and tiny but it makes me so proud to see what I created. I made them, sure their father helped but I molded them into what they are today. I am a full time mom with over time, he just volunteered. I couldn't imagine not spending every day with them. I hope to have many many many more years like these.

Chloe

Mia



Feeding woes

I follow the Spunky Coconut's blog and she was working with a whole chicken in her crock pot. So I thought I would give it try. I was raised a vegetarian. So the thought of a raw chicken with all its parts has always grossed me out. I am trying to find ways that I can feed my family on a limited budget and homemade not processed foods. I found my $9 organic chicken and left her in the fridge knowing that we would do battle shortly.

Chicken in the crockpot before I cooked it.

So Sunday I had some time before we were going to go to a MerriOtters movie day ( a local group at the Marriot where autistic kids and their families can swim, we also have dinners and use the conference room to watch new dvd releases on the "big screen"). I got what I needed out and I opened up my chicken and reached inside in hopes to find a bag of mystery parts. Instead they were just in there. So I scooped them out and saved them for our dog. I massaged the bird with some coconut oil and shoved some onions and oranges into it. I left it in the crock pot for the desired 7 hrs. Came home from the movie and pulled it apart left to pick up my script (which didn't happen). When I got back home I served it for dinner and no one ate it. Seriously? I just spent 7 hrs on a chicken that I paid $9 for and no one ate it? Mia refuses to eat anything but the GF organic grass-fed hot dogs, turkey bologna or ham (only meats also she will eat some pastas, grilled cheese and Amy's GFCFSF mac and cheese). I get so frustrated when I cook a meal and she eats nothing. She doesn't understand that hunger is why she feels like crap, so just leaving her with that food and not making anything else means I will have a cranky child.

I guess I should be lucky that she eats veggies and fruits right? But when I read the glorious meals that other Mom's make for their autistic children and they stat how they gobbled it up....I feel like I am a failure. How do I MAKE her eat it? I have tried meat muffins to introduce her to chicken but she only eats them fresh out of the oven. My muffins tend to get a bit...sticky? moist? not sure but they don't save well. She prefers udi's blueberry or sweet sins pumpkin over anything I make. Even my rhubarb and strawberry didn't win her over the zucchini blueberry tempted her for a muffin or two but no longer something she will touch. I remember when I started she would eat the mini meatloaves I made along with chicken/apple meatballs, spaghetti WITH sauce, burgers, fish and etc. Now it is like I have taken a huge leap back away from my homemade food and into the land of processed. Since we no longer have a DAN! Dr I feel lost. Like I am just playing a guessing game with her health and nutrition. I am looking into other supplements (http://www.awakennutrition.com/ is the main one I am looking at). I sometimes feel like I am torturing her with her diet. So any help with this would be lovely.




My lasgna (spunky coconut's recipe) that no one touched



Blueberry pie...Maggie ate most of this due to counter fail.


So I am hoping round 2 tonight will work well. I also plan to make tacos but I am out of daiya cheese and no tomatos so it will have to wait till Tuesday. So tonight might just be with some bbq sauce. Is it horrible to just give up and give her what she wants ie: hot dogs.

Just a preview

Just an intro for now.

I decided to create a blog that documents my life as a mom. Like most peoples lives, mine is complicated. I am a single mother of 5 year old twins. They are both diagnosed as ASD. They are at very different areas of the spectrum. Some assume that Chloe, my oldest by a half hour, isn't autistic. Don't you love how people can assume things? In reality even though Mia is non verbal, Chloe is harder to manage. She is a demanding little girl and always has been. As a newborn she HAD to get fed first, diaper changed, played with or she would scream and pull her hair out. Mia was always my little gentle angel. Even now when Chloe is getting ready for bed I will lay with Mia and the stress from my day will melt away until Chloe yells for me "MOMMMMMMMMMM". I love my girls they balance me out.

Chloe is a thumb sucking tomboy that loves pink and wants every toy that she sees on the tv. Her issues are mainly behaviour and ocd. She is also recovering (oddly enough) from an OCD bone fracture in her foot/ankle and knee surgery to remove a synovial cyst. The poor dear was in a walking boot for around 2.5 months. Boy did that thing stink. She will be entering 1st grade in the fall and begs me everyday to be able to ride the bus.

Mia is my freckled face best giggle in the world fastest runner little angel. She is non verbal, GFDFSF, unable to be on at supplements (due to income), low tone (in AFO's), likes to bite herself and pull her hair, bang her head, eat her shirts, mouths everything in site, not potty trained and unable to focus. She goes to specialized school for autism (I am blessed) and makes progress (then regresses) everyday. I try my hardest to make things ok for her. I am looking into HDOT and other therapies in hopes to balance her out just a little.

We also have Maggie Mae and new member of our family. She is a lab/pit mix that we rescued from Ohio. She is adjusting to the noise and the excitement in our house. She is also into chewing things like Mia, so they get along great.

I am the Mom, I am 35 years old and I work for my family. I work a lot to support us, gluten free is pricey. Their father is in and out of the picture but never financially and never emotionally. I try my best to be the rock. I did break down and cry yesterday because the pharmacy closed 5 mins early...so I couldn't get my script. But it was a long day and I just had it. I try to be strong and that is really all I can do.

I follow many blogs of other families with autism in their lives (mostly the cooking ones...because honestly I can't cook that great). Hopefully this will help me get out all this that I carry in my head.