Thursday, July 21, 2011

an infant trapped in a 6 year olds body.

With the girls birthday coming up I have been shopping of course for presents. Chloe is very demanding for presents basically she wants everything. I have a list a mile long for her. I told her max would be 4 presents from me. So I hope that I don't see a tantrum. With Mia....she never asks for anything for birthdays or holidays. It is what I pick out. She loves Elmo to death (as do most autistic kids, I assume it is the bright red fur) So we are still stuck in baby toy central. I never know what to get her because she has everything in her age range of interest. She mouths everything so I keep with the under 3 y/o toys because of that.

It isn't just the toys it is her speech of course is babbling with some words thrown in there. Plus she squeals and hoots just like a baby would do. Plus she wears diapers and I have to carry a diaper bag still with us. I catch myself baby talking to her all the time. Playing peek a boo. It is like she is stuck in this forever infantile stage. People always assume she is younger, even though she is the taller twin. They get amazed that they are twins.

I can't change this, it is beyond my control, but it was something I was thinking while I was driving and cooing at her. I should treat her more like a 6 year old child then a 1 year old baby is hard. I notice I do limit her with her abilities so I have to let go of my tether a little.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Do you see what I see? and if not why not?

As a mom we look at our kids and most of us see them as perfect little beings. Of course they have flaws, they are human after all. But as a mom you see the big picture. When I see other kids I sometimes see them as invading our perfect little bubble. They are filling my children's heads with cheetos and terrible pop music.

Anyways I see fathers with their kids some are how I would expect them to be and others just don't have that connection. Why don't they think of their kids at every waking hour? Is it because we carry them for 9 months and we are just connected at a much deeper level? I have given the girls father chances after chances to be in their lives. He doesn't deserve these chances but they do. They deserve to have the total package. Instead they have a father that choices his vices over being in their lives. Why doesn't he want to see them wake up everyday and go to sleep every night? I don't get it and doubt I ever will. I am always asking WHY? to him and I never get an answer. He tells me he loves them but it doesn't reflect that.

People tell me how strong I am, and I tell other mothers how strong they are and how much I admire them. I never see what I do as anything special. I do what I do because it has to be done. If I don't who will? It is my job as a mom. I sit here while Chloe is here at work with a tummy virus. I live breath motherhood. It is the hardest lowest/highest paying job. But I suppose getting told you are awesome is a fantastic boast. It still gets me everytime with a what really? me? but every mom that does her job as a mom deserves a good job. Honestly though when you get that little hug it sort of says it.

My stress level is high right now. It is a combo of sick kids and the ex issues. I am forever stuck in a limbo. Wanting a release that isn't available. Someday I will have time to breath to relax or that is what I tell myself. I have thought about the possibility of starting to date again...test the waters. But I always think this and pull back in fear of someone not understanding. People can't understand when a parent is truly alone. They assume that the other parent has to be there or they have to have someone to lighten the load. But I don't really. So it is easier to say I want to but it is easier to not totally do it. I feel it is easier to blame my kids/life then to look at my actual flaws as something that needs to change.

Another thing I would like to state. We went to a minor league baseball game on Friday (the Blue Rocks). We took Mia's wheelchair. I have noticed people tend to understand more when Mia is in her chair. When she isn't people look at us like we have horns on our heads. When we have the wheelchair we have people parting like the red sea. It amazes me. So get yourself a wheelchair for big events like this because people tend to only relate to true visible signs of disabilities. Plus it carries all your food/diapers/etc that you need instead of strapping it to yourself. I love our chair it gives us freedom and now understanding.